Public Servant Lifestyle

The 'top ten' worst excuses for not having a valid telly license in the house.

TV Licensing has revealed that the family pet has become the scapegoat of failed TV Licence evaders.* The Brits have always been known as a nation of animal lovers, but according to TV Licensing, evaders are now trying (and inevitably failing) to take advantage of man's best friend.

Some of the excuses have been less impressive than others - one individual tried to resurrect that old standby - the 'homework' excuse - claiming that their dog had eaten their licence. Other one-liners delivered to Enquiry Officers have ranged from predictable ("it's not a TV, it's a fishtank") to the surreal, with one householder claiming that he'd lost his TV Licence after using it to line his snake's cage.

TV Licenses - Top Ten Excuses

10. "I don't watch it. It's on for my dog. He watches it but I'm not paying for him." (Sheffield)
9. "I used it as nesting material for my snake, so it got lost in amongst the newspapers." (Lancaster)
8. "I'm too busy having vigorous sex with my wife to buy a licence." (Coventry)
7. "My son has stopped making payments as he's gone off with someone he met on the internet." (Ayrshire)
6. "I never use my set - I just switched on EastEnders to see if it affected my radio reception." (Newport)
5. "I got the telly off a bloke in the pub last night. He said he had already bought a licence for it so I didn't need to bother." (Camden, London)
4. "I don't need a TV Licence because I only watch Australian soaps and as far as I'm aware you don't need a licence in Australia." (Dunfermline)
3. "I need my sleep so I'm not awake long enough to get a licence." (Aberystwyth)
2. "My TV has been broken since my daughter tried to feed the kittens on Rolf's Animal Hospital." (Antrim)
1. "It's a black and white television - the colour you can see is a one-off programme special." (Southwark, London)

In some cases, however, it seems that blaming the pets may not be as far-fetched as it sounds: an Enquiry Officer has told how he began answering a householder's questions through a letterbox, before realising he was being interrogated by a parrot sitting in front of the TV. Despite the odd Dr Doolittle moment though, TV Licensing Enquiry Officers caught almost 350,000 evaders across the country during the period January - October 2005.

Pet Programming?

Jessica Ray, TV Licensing spokesperson, commented: "Claiming the TV is only ever watched by the family dog is not an excuse for not being properly covered by a TV Licence. Being caught red-handed by TV Licensing isn't most people's idea of a funny situation, but some people will always try to bluff their way out of it. However there is a serious punchline to these jokes. If you get caught, you risk a trip to court and a possible ?1,000 fine, plus you still have to buy a TV Licence. A colour TV Licence currently costs ?126.50."

"Rather than trying to convince us they don't need a TV Licence, evaders should spend a minute checking out the many different ways to pay for a licence. You can contact us twenty-four hours a day, either on our website, www.tvlicensing.co.uk, or by phoning us on 0870 241 5590."

Whilst Northerners were by far the most likely to point the finger at the family pet, evaders elsewhere in the country were equally inventive. Those in Wales seemed to use too much sleep as their best excuse for breaking the law, whilst those in London often pretended they'd only just got a TV, having been sold one 'off a bloke in the pub'. Other cheeky excuses saw evaders claiming a phobia of queues or too active a sex life, as they attempted to avoid paying the fee.

However, it's not only evaders who make the odd slip-up. With 24.7 million people having a licence, TV Licensing's call centre staff are used to hearing the occasional surprising comment. Here are some of the best exchanges of the past year:

Q: "How does your name appear on the card?"
A: "In silver."

Q: "Are you the licence holder?"
A: "Yes, I'm holding it in my hands right now."

Q: "I don't need a licence as I'm going to be under my boyfriend from now on."
A: "I've only got a Black & White telly, honest! Let me turn up the volume to show you!"

*Figures issued by TV Licensing, excuses compiled November 2005.

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